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pbbunnie

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Boyfriend issues

I've been dating my boyfriend for just about ten months now and he has some twerks (like with any relationship) and i've tried to approach him about it but it upsets him. Hes... a little sensitive about any sort of critism and that bothers me too. I keep trying to tell him i'm not being mean (i don't usually say it mean either) that i'm trying to let him know... anyways... (i am 20 bout to turn 21 and he just turned 23)

• He's not very tidy, i'm over there a lot and spend the night even though i don't actually live there. He also lives with his cousin who is just as bad. But, i might cook him dinner after working and staying up waiting for him (he doesn't get off until, 12:30am, usually and gets home between 1am-1:30am) and since i've been up since 10am/11am i'm tired and i won't always do the dishes. and it bothers me that he won't do the dishes i made making him dinner unless i ask him which then he'll usually say "I'll do them tomorrow" and then usually wont. And if i make him do that night (usually because they're starting to pile up) he rolls his eyes and gets annoyed (like a teenager!)... I've pretty much stopped making him dinner and he still doesn't really do them.
  Also, i did his laundry because he had to work 7 days straight and his cat had fleas so i spent the day cleaning the entire place and doing laundry to try to make sure the place didn't get infested and it took him just over a week to put the clothes in the dresser which were already folded and sorted for him (he finally did it on his own)
  He says the place is messy because its a bachleor pad but i find its just an excuse to be messy....

• This is one of the things that really gets to me, he hasn't said it recently but i'll go nuts if he tries to say it again. what happens is he'll ask if i want to go to this 24hr coffee shop which i don't like to go to because people smoke inside and even though i am a smoker (3rd day into quitting) i don't like hot boxing 2nd hand smoke, OR want to go over one of his friends house who up late all the time but all we do there is sit and talk about his animals or bull shit for hour or three... its really boring but i go over there 50% of the time he asks. But he always acts as if he's not really too interested in going or if i agree some times we end up not going anyways but randomly he'll get annoyed when i say not tonight or you can go if you want but i want to stay here, he'll say "We never do what i want to do, we're always doing what you want to do" and usually everything i want to do, i try to make sure its something he'd enjoy too, while he usually wants to do things he knows (or probably should know because i've said i don't) i don't like.
  *Another thing is that it seems when we do something he wanted to do, and it doesn't work out the way he wanted it to, its some how my fault and he really makes me feel like my prescence some how ruined his plans. Even if we hung out earlier that day and he made plans later so i left to go do something while he went off to do something with a friend (or whatever) some how us hanging out earlier caused his plans not to work out right (for example his friend cancells on him or he has a bad time)
  I realize that he just may be fusturated and he needs to take his fustrations out on somebody but i don't want to be the "some body" i've had a few discussions with him but i want to be prepared to know how to handle it if he says those things again....

i know this is a eyeful to read but any advice?

christinemic9

Mailing List

Re: Boyfriend issues

Ok..so there ARE positives to his personality and your relationship is not as bad as it sounded...I was worried there. I know when my friends tell me about the men they're seeing, they tend to go on and on about the negatives and then when I start bashing on their boyfriends, then they say some positives. (I was like that too about past boyfriends I was seeing-mentioning things that irritate me, and then later say the positives and then wonder why my friends have a bad feeling about him. I no longer mention the negatives...I just say the positives and hope for the best in the relationship) In the beginning, it sounds like they want to break up, but then later, they're like "oh no..i'm just annoyed or irritated when he _______" Ok..so it's not abuse at all, just the fact that the couple's really comfortable with each other (settled) and are more and more open about each other's flaws and quirks which repeated, may irritate the other person.
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One female friend told me that men have to be "trained" to do certain things, not just told. I do not entirely agree..if two people love each other, they will be willing to do things for each other and maybe suggestions need to be made, but you don't force another person to do things..so no "honey if you love me, you'll do___" crap... I think if 2 people truly care and love each other, they'll be willing to make the other person happy, within  reason...btw, that friend has been engaged 3 times and is now engaged for the 4th time--the 2nd and 3rd-the guy left her bc she was waaaay too demanding (he said) or he would not change (she said) ..she hated on her 2nd fiancee bc he would wear a yellow shirt that his mom loves and he wouldn't buy her flowers...I don't think those are deal breakers but maybe there was more to it than she mentioned..because weariong a yellow polo shirt (it was clean perfect condition-I've seen him in the yellow shirt) and not buying flowers are not deal breakers for me even though he would've looked sooo much better in a dark forest green or blue polo shirt, the yellow makes skin look paler : )
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Me myself, I'm with a guy who's respectful, kind and caring and reaaally sensitive (unlike past boyfriends), but he's getting over his father's death, so the relationship's in the beginning stages even though we've been together 6 months now...but we had a talk and we decided it'll be better if we stay just friends. He is the most sweetest guy I've seen..not too many out there : (
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If he starts venting at  you again and blaming you for plans ruined, then maybe say "Well, maybe it wasn't meant to happen..maybe next time...." I would try to get to the root of the problem..maybe he's stressed cause he doesn't feel like he has enough time to do everything he wants to do? and if he feels like he doesn't have enough time to do things, maybe he feels like he wasted the time when his plans didn't work out? Maybe he's angry because he feels he doesn't have control of the situation and that makes him feel helpless?  That's horrible that his mom put him on ADD drugs which made him act abnormal, although I don't think one can do that unless a neurologist prescribes it.  I have a nephew who has ADHD and the newer medication has helped tremendously-he can control his thought patterns, he now has friends and he feels more in control of things which lessened his acting out/anger issues-although he is somewhat depressed.

**********Finally, suggestions: Maybe offer a few suggestions of alternate ways of handling his anger as long as he admits he has anger issues..or what I do is ASK, questions "how would you feel if you ________? " or "would it be better of worse if you _______? ". Ask as if you're really trying to understand his thought process and let him decide which way to go. If he's the type to blow up and then reflect afterwards that what he said/did was not right, ask him "How would've you handled it differently?"  or "Going forward, what would you do differently if confronted with the situation again?", "How do you feel now that ______ has happened?"

I'm not sure if any of this is helping..i do tend to ramble
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danianiela

Mailing List

Re: Boyfriend issues

not trying to be insensitive, but they don't sound like huge issues to me.  i find if there's something wrong deep down (like maybe you just don't like him as much as you think you do) sometimes people tend to find lots of other smaller issues to get upset over until they realise what the actual problem is...

just my 2 cents

hope you work it out

pbbunnie

Mailing List

Re: Boyfriend issues

They're not "huge" issues, but they're not my cup of tea. lmao. If they were something i couldn't absolutely stand i would of broken up with him by now. But i mean, i want him to be tidy, not perfect but when the dishes sit in the sink for a week because he's "too tired" to after work (yet wants to go out or watch a movie, etc etc) it pushes my pet peeve buttons.

thank you

madisonbrock

Member

Re: Boyfriend issues

I will definitely suggest you but please give me some answers to my question.
Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Are you having fights over little misunderstandings?

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Last edited by madisonbrock (2012-01-13 05:02:00)

jackkrol

Member

Re: Boyfriend issues

Communication is a most important factor in any relationship. You can easily solve the relationship problems through communication. No end of Man and woman relationship problems.

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natalie vernon

Member

Re: Boyfriend issues

it seems that maybe this is not the relationship for you, you have only been going out for 10 months, he doesnt seem to hear you, or doesnt care enough to change the small things, how likely is it that he will help in changing the big things, having said that you both are to young to really be settling into a relationship, there is no hurry.  and trust me when i say love isnt enough.   sometimes when we feel that we are in love we really are not, there are a whole lot of other things that come into play, and for someone as young as you are, theres no reason to be some where with someone who doesnt want to meet you at least half way.

navybrat706

Member

Re: Boyfriend issues

I suggest reading How to Avoid Falling in love with a jerk by John Van Epp PhD.  I had to read it for my marriage and family class and it gave me little tips on making my relationship better.  It was a great investment of like $17 and 5 hours.